


Torn Apart

by idrilhadhafang



Series: Star Wars, Episode IX: The Edge of Darkness [9]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Five Times, Gen, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Internal Conflict, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Redeemed Ben Solo, character death is han solo, episode IX speculation, identity crisis, the last jedi speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 05:53:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10758072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Five times Ben Solo/Kylo Ren felt unsure of who he was.





	Torn Apart

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Identity Crisis
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

 

1\. When he passes the Trials, he already can't help but feel a surge of fear in him. After all, there is something about knowing that you are not a Padawan anymore that is frightening. He is far from ready to grow up, he is far from ready to become a proper adult or anything of that nature. His aunt and uncle congratulate him, of course, saying how proud they are of him, but Ben knows he doesn't feel confident. He feels scared.

He shouldn't feel scared, of course. Fear, after all, is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate (or in Ben's case a few destroyed training dummies), hate leads to suffering (or if you're Master Naris, you develop an informal career in hating other beings). But even as Poe commcalls him later to congratulate him on what happened, Ben tries to smile, but deep inside, he knows, he just knows, that he's changing into something else, leaving his childhood behind, and he's terrified.

2\. When he turns twenty-four training under Snoke, things should get easier. He has a purpose, after all, he has a drive, he knows full well what he wants to do, and yet, he can still feel it. The call to the Light, pulling at him. It does not help that Snoke's teachings are confusing. They pull things from both the Jedi and Sith teachings, with some Milaran culture sprinkled in for good measure.

Of course, perhaps it is Kylo Ren who doesn't get it. After all, the Supreme Leader is wise and powerful, and Kylo Ren is still very much a beginner in every conceivable way. In contrast to the Supreme Leader, he is nothing and no one. So he obeys. He wakes up in the mornings, eats the soupy and truthfully unappetizing stuff that passes for a meal before going to training (all to keep his body pure, clean), he trains, and when time arises, when he doesn't need to go out on a mission that the Supreme Leader assigned, he reviews the Jedi and Sith Codes, as well as treatises on ren. And every day, it seems, there are more confusing elements -- more weaknesses for Kylo Ren to uncover. Every day, there seems to be more to learn.

3\. The call to the Light can take on multiple permutations. Sometimes it erupts when Kylo Ren awakes from a cold sweat trying not to scream, and he envies his grandfather. How blessed Grandfather must have been, to be able to go to sleep knowing that what he did was right and that there was no need for self-reproach, for guilt and self-recrimination. Knowing that he had done the good thing, the right thing, the only thing a noble man such as himself could have done in the service of the Empire. It is one of those areas where he fears that he will never be as strong as Grandfather. Of course, who could be? Grandfather was such a great, noble man -- in contrast, Kylo Ren has some big shoes to fill.

But it still stings. Because he should be as strong, or at least strong enough. Instead, he is defective. Weak. The strong don't have nightmares about what they've done, with the faces of their enemies strong in their minds, or the reek of corpses and ashes in their nostrils long after they wake up. They don't feel all but assailed with memories and voices, they don't have these strange responses that they don't understand. The Light has his hooks in him, and Kylo Ren would do anything if it meant quieting the chaos inside him. Anything at all.

4\. When the dust clears from one of his latest fits, he finds that he's destroyed his mask. It lies there, in pieces after he's wailed upon it with his lightsaber. It was long after yet another memory surfaces of Han Solo -- a memory of him showing Ben around the Falcon. Ben -- and Kylo can't help but shudder at the memory of that weak affection-craving creature -- must have been three at the time. The memory is so vivid that Kylo jolts reliving it. And it drives home the fact that he all but killed his own father, and for what? Nothing. He's still being torn apart. Killing Han Solo didn't silence the chaos inside him; it only made it worse, and he despises himself for that.

He looks at the ruins of his mask, an eerie calm settling over him like it does after many of his fits -- he is purged of emotion, hollowed out, clean. And the cleaner part of him can at least appreciate the irony that he destroyed something that the Supreme Leader made for him. The mask is in ruins. He can appreciate the small bit of symbolism in that regard. He will never be the man he wanted to be, he will never fulfill the Supreme Leader's vision. He is too broken. If not for the fact that Jaina Skywalker is alive, he would have been grateful if Hux had left him to die. He is too tainted and yet too cowardly. He will never be as strong as Darth Vader and he knows it. And he hates every minute of it.

5\. Long after he returns to the Resistance base, he has no idea who he is now. He feels that he should know, and yet he doesn't. Is he Ben? Kylo? Ben-Kylo, Kylo-Ben? He isn't the tainted destroyer and he isn't the idealistic Jedi. He is somewhere in-between, lost. And being lost is one of the worst feelings imaginable. They shouldn't be showing compassion to him like this after what he's done -- and what he's done is fully hitting him like an out-of-control speeder.

Where do they go on from here? He can't just happily waltz into the new Jedi Order; that's not how it's done. He can't just run. He's done enough running. Time to face his fate, and whatever punishment the Resistance metes out to him...he will take it.

As he heads into the Resistance base, he can hear the whispers, feel the astonishment that Ben, Ben Solo, could have been the same monster who did all these horrific things. What happened to him? How could he?

That is a question that Ben doubts that he can answer. Not in just a sentence, at least. A paragraph, maybe, or a page. Two pages would do it.

Hordo's office isn't too far from here. He can feel Poe's disgust at having to deal with Hordo, and the worry about what she'll do to his husband. Ben isn't afraid, though. After all, after everything that's happened, it's time he faced what he both did and failed to do.

The door opens, and Hordo steps out -- and with her, strangely, the opportunity to atone for what he's done.


End file.
